(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
You Might Also Like
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches