i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
You Might Also Like
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
parents: you are what you eat
kids: