pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
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I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
When I laugh on my period
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
And bowling should be called pinball
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day