I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
when you order from DoorDastardly
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe