My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
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100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.