Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
You Might Also Like
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure