Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Make new friends? bro out of what?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas