Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
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One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
This was the best day of my life
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?