Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
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Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.