Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
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Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.