as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
🤣🤣
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”