[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
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Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”