“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
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i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.