If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Wednesday
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.