Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
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Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
This is my favorite one of these!
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???