Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
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Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.