What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
You Might Also Like
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.