opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
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me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people