Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
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I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs: