COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
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A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me