[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
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My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
🙄😏😂🤣
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.