They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
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My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
“I FIXED IT!”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.