I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
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cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Who does Amazon think I am?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”