A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
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Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”