Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
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homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!