I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.