My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
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Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?