There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
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no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”