Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
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[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?