My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
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If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.