So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
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[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
If you want my opinion ask my wife
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
early stone age tool
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him