My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
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kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.