They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Wasps: bees, but not helping
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT