[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
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Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
got so much cardio in today
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me