The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
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My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.