I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
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I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
the three branches of government
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?