wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
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To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway