me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”