What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My biological clock is wheezing.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow