[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
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When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.