Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
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Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Wise advice
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”