I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Banking tips
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I can’t wait!
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that