Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
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Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Rambo Rambow
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Buck naked
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?