STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
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[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
The Onion called it…again.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what