*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
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You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.