Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
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Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.