This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
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Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I hate everything
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
this could fix me
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
In case you needed to hear it:
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt