I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
You Might Also Like
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.