It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
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Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
New menu item
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
When you’ve simply given up.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome