When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
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my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.